Head Space
by anna2
Summary: A conversation between two old friends. Ever wonder if Kate know's whats been going on on since she left?


Title: End Game

Rating: T (Some bad language)

Summary: Ever wonder if Kate knows what's been going on since she died…

Disclaimer: None of this belongs to me. Everything belongs to Donald Bellisario, CBS, etc… Please don't sue; I have nothing you want anyway.

Authors Notes: This particular plot bunny jumped into my head last week after seeing the previews for Season Seven (come on September 22!). No spoilers really, just a conversation between two old friends and my take on certain relationships. Please tell me what you think by clicking the review box at the bottom of the page.

A gun butt connected with his head and everything went black…

The squad room was utterly silent. No news blaring from the TVs, no babble of voices, no fast paced footsteps, no dinging of the elevator, no ringing phones. Not even the muted whir of computers broke the thick silence.

He had never heard such silence here before, not even during his 3 am jaunts to catch up on paperwork. There was always noise in this place.

"Have a nice nap?"

At the sound of her voice, he bolted upright out of the chair he'd been sleeping in and nearly fell over his feet in the process.

"Just as graceful as I remember DiNozzo." Kate leaned back in her own chair, clearly amused by his lack of coordination. "Are you sure you should be armed?"

"You're dead." Those were the only words he could think to say. "You're dead and you're sitting here. Does that mean-"

"That you're dead too? No. But you might wish you were when you wake up." She swung her feet off the desk and leaned forward, studying him.

"But-how-what's going on? Is this some sort of hallucination? Cause come to think of it I'm not sure those were eatable mushrooms on the pizza last night and-"

"You didn't eat pizza last night. You ate an MRE and threw ¾ of it away. What's with the wannabe anorexic crap anyway? Since when do you turn down food?"

"McGoo's the human garbage disposal. I've always had discriminating tastes."

"Yes, I remember. Who was it that ate the three week old Chinese, just to see what would happen?"

"It was an experiment. It's how humans learn."

"And you learned the special hell of 72-hour food poisoning."

And just as quickly the smiles faded. "What are you doing here Kate? Aren't you supposed to be wearing a halo and lounging on clouds?"

She chuckled dryly as she replied "And yet I'm here. You're going off the rails Tony. I'm trying to keep you on the track."

"I'm fine."

"Which is why you were hunting terrorists on your own in Somalia, against orders and without back-up. Clearly you have no issues whatsoever."

"Well I've never been a by-the-book guy."

"This is off the rails, even for you. For Gibbs even. And he's the guy that offed the scumbag that killed his family."

"How did you know about that? We didn't find out about Kelly and Shannon until after-" He cut himself off abruptly.

"Until after I died?" She stood up and walked over. "You can say it you know. I'm dead. It's been 1,572 days now. And as for how I know about Gibbs' family, all that lounging on clouds has to be good for something. It's amazing what you can learn once you're gone." She retreated to her desk, leaning against it and studying him intently. "You've changed a lot."

"Fresh clothes everyday. Sometimes twice a day, depending on the crime scene or if I have a date after work. Or if I get caught in the rain. Wet clothes never seem to dry right unless you wash them first and-"

"I take that back. Same old DiNozzo. Can't take anything seriously."

"What do you want me to say Kate?" The mocking tone vanished from his voice instantly. "That the last year and half has been a frigging roller coaster ride? That after Jeanne I couldn't look in the mirror for months? That I blame myself for Jenny? That I feel guilty about hazing the probie his first year and I don't how to apologize? Take your pick."

"Knock off the 'woe is me' crap. You're too arrogant to pull it off." She came around from her desk and leaned over his, right into his personal space. "We'll start with the easy stuff. Jenny wasn't your fault. She told me herself. She knew something Bad was going down and she tried to handle it herself. There is no way you could have changed the outcome. If you had been in that diner, you would have died as well. The first one in would have caught you in the back, right through the left ventricle. Bled out in seconds. Jenny was distracted enough that two of them escaped. She didn't shoot them in time and they came after Gibbs. He survived but won't walk again. Every action has consequences. Jenny knew that and she took the risks anyway."

"How could you possibly know what _might_ have happened in that diner?"

"Lounging on clouds gives you a great view. Jenny was already dying."

"Ducky told us. Multiple gunshots aren't a great improvement over degenerative disease. It wasn't quick for her. Not like you, one shot to the head and lights out. Jenny died slowly."

"But she died on her own terms. She took out those bastards and kept Gibbs safe. I didn't get that choice. And I don't know which one of us got a better deal." She retreated to her desk as Tony processed that thought. "At least I don't have the regrets that she does. Especially that short haircut when she first started. Ugh!"

"So you can see what happens here?"

"Yup."

"All the time?"

"When I want to." She grew serious again. "It's not as great as you might think. I can see the potential in everything. Even myself. Knowing what might have been and knowing you can never have it is the true definition of hell. I can see the kids I'll never have, the man I'll never fall in love with. He won't ever know who I am. I would have met him three days after the rooftop and married him eight months later. Knowing that will never happen hurts like you wouldn't believe. I try not to ever think about it."

"So you and I would never-"

"Oh God no!" The look on her face gave away just what she thought of that scenario. "But we could have been really good friends, the kind you can call to help you hide the body. The way you are now with McGee, even though you refuse to admit it."

"McGeek? No way. He couldn't lift a body if he tried."

"The probie's come a long way since liquid man at Norfolk. Those computer skills have saved your butt more than once"

"You can say that because you haven't had some transparent version of yourself on the bestseller list for two months."

"You never looked at the acknowledgements did you?"

He glanced down at the desktop to find a fresh copy of the book sitting in front of him. "Nice trick Kate. Can you do the one with the plaid skirt and knee socks?"

"Ha ha. You're supposed to think with the head on your shoulders. Just look at the page would you?"

For Kate.

"Oh."

"Did you know he had nightmares about the roof for months? And that to this day he regrets not being up there with us. He wanted to write a different ending, a happier one. But the words never came. I wouldn't let them. So he had to go with what he had at the time. You don't like the book because you had to see how others see you. Plus he did a really bad job at changing the names."

"He's not the only one who had nightmares. Do you know what it feels like to have a friends' blood spattered across your face? In case you were wondering, you can't wash it away. I think I scrubbed off 20 times that night before I gave up. I can still feel it sometimes, hot and sticky and never quite gone."

"And yet my sympathy is limited. You've managed to cope pretty well. Deep down you know there's nothing that you could have done. You can't shield someone from a sniper, especially when you don't know he's out there. If you want to feel guilty about something, how about Jeanne? You screwed her over real good."

"Don't go there!" He was on his feet now, agitated enough not to notice the shift in scenery. "Low blow, even for you Todd."

"Reverting to last names? Clearly I've touched a nerve." Her mocking tone belied the seriousness of the subject. "You never meant for it to go that far. But you know what they say about good intentions and the road to hell."

"Why are we even talking about this? What's done is done. You might be able to see what could have happened but I can't. And where the hell are we anyway?"

"Air Force One. I always liked it here." She began rummaging through one of the cabinets, letting out a triumphant whoop when she located her prize. "Dark chocolate Hershey's. I miss these. Cloud lounging gives you a great view and very little else."

"You're choosing to focus on chocolate right now?"

She smirked. "You forget, this little trip is taking place in your subconscious, not mine. These issues are all yours."

"If this were really my subconscious we'd be at the movies and you'd be wearing the knee socks. I'm dead, aren't I?"

"Give it a rest DiNozzo and try thinking with your big brain. You're not dead. You just need to stay down for awhile."

"How long is awhile?"

"I don't know. Long enough to wake up _after_ the reinforcements arrive, not before. That's going to be the difference between a concussion and a bullet to the back of the head."

He winced at her casual reference to his death, something that didn't escape Kate's notice. "How are the rest of them?" A tinge of desperation underscored the seemingly casual question.

"What are you asking me for? You're the one with the birds-eye view of us little people."

"It's not like I spend all my time watching. So come on, tell me. Is McGee still a probie?"

"McGeek's good. Wrote a book, made some money, bought a Porsche. Ripped off our lives and didn't share the profits. Seems to date actual women every now and then, saving his real passion for his computers. Got caught in a women's prison riot last year. Only Probie could grow a pair in women's prison."

"I saw that. He was terrified. They had him against a wall, threatening to cut off one of his fingers. You know what he was thinking the whole time?"

"That he was living out the fantasy of every straight male in America?"

"That he had to hold it together or he'd never hear the end of it from you."

Tony grew silent and sober. "I don't know how to apologize to him. There's a difference between razzing the new guy and outright harassment. I crossed the line. And you did too."

"I know. I'm sorry that I never said I was sorry. Breaking into his house, constantly threatening and harassing him, treating him like scum half the time, just because he was new. I'm going to regret that for eternity. Even if he doesn't hold it against either of us. He's actually kind of grateful. You think he'd have lasted this long with Gibbs otherwise?"

"Doesn't make it right."

The world tilted again, finally righting itself as Abby's lab. As in the squad room everything was dark and silent. Not one machine was turned on; none of the computers were lit up. Even the fridge was absolutely silent. "Weird in here without the ear bleeding music."

"You should have been here when her ex-boyfriend was stalking her. Or the night you died. Plenty weird in here then."

Kate grew quiet and thoughtful when he said that. "When she needed me I was gone. I'm still angry at myself for not being here."

"What exactly could you have done?"

"I could have stuck that scalpel in Ari's neck the day I met him. Let him bleed out all over autopsy and saved Ducky a trip to collect the body. She'd have stayed with me that night and I'd have shot Mawer when he broke in through the back window."

"And we wouldn't have known about the fake marshal until it was too late. Mawer was never the real threat."

"I know. Still wish I'd been there though." Kate wandered from workstation to workstation, looking over the room. "Not much has changed in here. Did she really barricade herself in her office with a dog until the mutt got reprieved?"

"Yep. Even convinced the probie to adopt the fleabag when her landlord wouldn't let her bring it home. Never had Abs figured for an animal lover."

"She has been since she was little. Her best friend growing up was her uncle's hunting dog, Bubba. Kind of hard to be a Catholic Goth in small town Louisiana and find human friends. That's why she clings so tight to the ones she has now."

"Abby was Goth, even as a kid?"

"Yeah. Did you ever think she was anything but Abby? She couldn't be anyone but herself if she tried. Do you remember when that crazy assistant of hers framed you for murder?"

"Kind of hard to forget Fornell snapping on the cuffs."

"That was the only time she was ever tempted to abuse her lab. When the FBI seized everything, she was trying to figure out a way to contaminate the evidence without implicating anyone else."

"Abby? Ruin evidence? Pull the other one."

"It's true. If you ask her about it today, she'll dodge the question but she really thought it was going to come down to her friends or her lab. No question what the choice was going to be."

"Oh really? That ought to be an interesting question 'Hey Abs, remember when that psycho assistant of yours framed me for murder? No big deal but I was wondering if you were really planning to testify against me or if you would have perjured yourself? Just wondering really, no hard feelings if you were going to uphold the law.' That should go over just great."

"Tony, even you aren't that stupid. It's a rhetorical question. Don't ask it unless you want your limbs removed."

"Abby wouldn't."

"But Gibbs would. You know she's his favorite."

"Yeah, what's up with that anyway? Not that Abby isn't, you know, Abby but Mr. Marine Poster Boy shouldn't get along with her in a million years."

The answer was simple. "Kelly. Abby and Kelly have very similar personalities. Gibbs sees the woman his daughter might have become when he looks at Abby, minus the hair dye and tats of course. The intelligence, loyalty, self-confidence, humor and caffeine addiction are all traits that he wanted Kelly to have."

They sat in silence for a few moments, contemplating the darkened lab before Tony finally spoke again. "She really misses you. She and Ducky are the only ones who can talk about you like you're still here."

"I don't want to talk about it." As she spat out the words, they once again found themselves in a new location. A familiar basement containing a very familiar half-finished boat.

"I wish I could have seen Ari take that round."

"Me too." The venom in his voice surprised them both. Tony's usual MO was loudly angry, not overtly dangerous. "I'm surprised that Gibbs stopped at only one shot."

"He didn't take that shot."

"Sure he did. The body was on the way back to Tel Aviv right about the time we were attending your funeral. Lovely service by the way. Big turnout, plenty of weeping and wailing. Abby even remembered the jazz for after the burial-"

"I don't want to know about it!"

"You're missed, that's all I'm saying."

Kate whirled on him in fury. "You think I want to know how losing a child nearly killed my mother? That my brothers spent the service thinking of all the things they should have said and didn't and how they carry that guilt with them every day now? That my father cheats on my mother because then he doesn't have to think about how I'm not there? I have two nieces that are never going to know me or hug me or laugh when I tell them stories about their dad's as kids. You and McGee had nightmares for months. Gibbs ran off to Mexico less than a year later. Abby was so angry with me for leaving that for a while all the good memories of our friendship were gone. Ducky was drinking every night for weeks because going to work meant standing in the same autopsy room where he had to cut me open. And you want me to know I'm missed?!"

"I'm sorry!" He snapped back. "Excuse me for trying to let you know that you aren't forgotten and that the people in your life still love you, even though you're gone. I didn't anyone could take offense at that. And for the record, Gibbs didn't run off because of you. He retired because he got blown up by a terrorist and then couldn't stop the Navy from blowing up a merchant ship with one terrorist and 20 innocent people on board. Not because of the rooftop and certainly not because you didn't duck in time!"

"It was a contributing factor!" She hollered back. The bickering was happily familiar to them both. "Losing a team member that you're responsible for is a terrible blow, no matter how it happens. You doubt yourself for months and years afterward. You saw what happened to Paula. You think it was any easier for Gibbs? The stoic? At least Cassidy could cry."

"We all cried. No one ever talks about it but there were plenty of tears on the trip back from Indiana. And you're damn right Gibbs feels guilty. I feel guilty. We should have seen him; we should have pulled you down. You'd already taken one bullet, two was over kill pardon the pun."

"Bull Tony. You don't feel guilty about me because you know there was nothing you could do. Ari was almost 600 yards away, there was no way to know that he was there and certainly no way to save me. Get over it. You want to feel guilty for something? Let's talk about Jeanne." She thumped down on one of the stools by the workbench and crossed her arms. "Tell me about Jeanne."

"I said leave her out of this!" His temper flared wildly and then cooled just as quickly. "She's one of the biggest regrets of my life. The look on her face nearly killed me. In one instant two of the people she trusted and loved the most betrayed her. I hate myself for what I did to her."

"Don't beat yourself up too hard. The fact that Jeanne bothers you so much is proof that you're a good person Tony. A bad one wouldn't have cared that she got hurt." She paused. "She's forgiven you, you know."

"Not funny Todd."

"No, really. She's joined Doctors Without Borders, cleaning up after unending African civil wars, fueled partly with arms provided by her father. Seeing the hurt he helped cause made her understand why you did what you did to take him down. And she's okay with it now, really. She'll spend the next twenty years making a huge difference in the lives of thousands of people. She's going to fall in love, get married, have a couple of kids and live the life that she wants. And your actions helped set her on that path, where she was meant to be"

He slumped down into the seat next to Kate, suddenly looking very old and tired. "Will I ever see her again?"

Kate shook her head. "What's the point? Is there anything left to say?"

He was silent for a long moment before speaking. "It was real you know. I've never said 'I love you' without meaning it, even to her. Especially to her. Being with Jeanne was like nothing else. There were times that I forgot I was undercover, were I actually thought I was Anthony DiNardo, film professor. I kept thinking that maybe she would never have to know. I had her fooled for eight months, two weeks and three days. And on the fourth day it all came crashing down."

"Do you really think you could have become someone else, even for her?"

"I thought I could. For a split second when she asked me. But I hesitated a moment too long and she saw it. She knew. It was never going to happen." He let out a long sigh and scrubbed a hand over his face. "Why are we talking about this anyway? It's not like I can change anything. Even if she has forgiven me, which I doubt, I'm pretty sure she never wants to be in the same zip code as me again. Unless of course she's accusing me of murder. Again."

The scenery around them shifted once more, the walls blurring and shifting until Tony was thoroughly dizzy. Kate seemed unaffected by the change.

"The isolation room at Bethesda? Really? Am I going to have to live through the plague again cause I gotta tell you once was more than enough. Why are we here?"

Kate ran a hand over the bed were he'd nearly died. "I hate it here. I thought you were going to die in front of me and there nothing anyone could do about it."

"I don't really remember all that much towards the end. A lot coughing. My chest hurt so bad I was ready to rip out my lungs to get some relief." He paused, lost in his own memories. "I remember Gibbs talking to me, saying I didn't have permission to die yet. Pretty sure that was a hallucination."

"No, that was real. I was just outside with Ducky. They'd pulled me out when you started crashing and wouldn't let me back in. Gibbs walked in there like God Himself and ordered you to stay with us. Even head slapped you, despite the witnesses."

"Sounds like our fearless leader."

"He's very proud of you you know. He wouldn't have left if he didn't think you could handle the team. You've grown up Tony."

"I was grown up long before this. Driver's license, passport, health insurance, the whole shebang."

She sighed at his theatrics. "Why am I not surprised? Tony cracks a joke. God forbid you talk about anything serious."

He paced towards her, invading her personal space. "What are you expecting here Kate? Are we going to hold hand and sing 'Kumbaya'?"

"You did enough of that at camp, between clogging sessions. You about made McGee's year when you let that slip. Ziva's too."

They both paused then, staring at each other. Her name hadn't come up yet. Not even the barest mention of her existence. Somehow he knew that had been deliberate on Kate's part, as had bringing her up now. "You know about her?"

"And now we get to the hard part."

"Jeanne wasn't? You were saving the best for last?"

"More like I was saving the worst for when you couldn't escape. She's very pretty." Kate hauled herself up onto her old bed and winced as the plastic covering on the pillow crackled. "Just as comfortable as I remember. You might as well settle in. This part's going to take a while."

"I don't want to talk about her." Even as he said the words carefully avoided images began to bubble up through his memory. "Stop it!"

"Stop what? I haven't gotten started yet."

"Get out of my mind! I don't need you stirring anything up."

"I'm not doing anything but sitting on a very uncomfortable hospital bed and waiting for you stop acting like a crazy person. I'm not in your head. You're calling up those memories all on your own."

"Bullcrap."

"What do you think I am? I'm not some all powerful, all knowing being. The trick with the book was one of my better ones. I'm not in your head. That's all your crazy, not mine. Let's talk about her."

"Leave it alone Kate."

"No really. I want to know all about the new girl. How long did it take before she moved into my desk? Does McGee like her better than me? Is she a better shot? Where did she go to college? Has she ever puked in Autopsy? What did she major in? Is she actually a trained assassin? Does Gibbs really trust her? How many languages does she speak? Have you slept with her yet? Are you in love with her?"

It was the last question that made him snap. "Sheket!"

The Hebrew words took them both by surprise. "You really do have a thing for her. Learning the language and all."

"I've heard it from her. A lot."

"Those aren't your _Hebrew for Dummies_ tracks on your iPod? "

"I'm a snoop Kate, you said it yourself. I just wanted to eavesdrop on her phone calls without her knowing."

"You could have kissed her in that fake bunker and you didn't. Why not?"

"Why did you start sleeping with a coworker? Wanted to join the Mile High Club on Air Force One?"

She appeared to not even hear the question. "I guess that would have been awkward, what with the armed guards five feet away and McGee in the surveillance van down the block. But you had another shot in the elevator the next day and you didn't take that one either. Either you're scared she'll kill for trying or you're getting soft in your old age, too afraid to take any chances." She tsked softly to herself. "Who'd have thought Tony DiNozzo would ever have women trouble?"

"Are you done? Cause I am." He walked over to the door and tried to open it.

The deadbolt refused to give.

"Yank on it all you want. I told you, you can't escape from here."

"Then I choose to wake up now. Bring on the terrorists."

She let out a caustic laugh. "What makes you think you have any choice in the matter? I think we've established that you aren't calling the shots here."

"I mean it Kate, let me out. I'm not having this conversation with you." He tugged harder on the door, rattling the frame and shaking the glass. "I'll break the thing if I have to."

"We're in your subconscious. What makes you think that glass is going to break? Accept it DiNozzo. You aren't leaving until we have this conversation. And don't try the silent treatment either. We both know you can't pull it off."

"I'm not talking about her. You might have gotten Jenny out me, even Jeanne. Ziva's off limits."

"She really did a number on you. I'll bet she's the first woman you ever met that threw you off your game like that. Didn't fall for the charm, able to kick your ass in about two minutes, sexy as all hell and yet strangely easy to get along with. Your head's been spinning since she walked into the squad room for the first time."

He sat silently on his old bed, not looking in Kate's direction. "We're not talking about this."

"Fine. I'll talk. I wish I'd met her. I think she and I would have gotten along pretty well, even if she does have the ability to kill me with a paperclip. She's not lying about that by the way. Jab it into the carotid artery and pull down. Bleed out in minutes. Watching her is all kinds of fun." Kate smiled. "Great shot. Admittedly trying to teach you guys how to throw knives wasn't one of her better ideas but Lee didn't actually hurt Gibbs so no harm, no foul I guess. She sure has you tied up in knots though."

"No knots here. Completely knot free. She stayed in Israel and I'm here. We'll never see each other again, which is what she wants. Discussion over."

"Why do you think she never wants to see you again? And what makes you think you won't?"

"I don't know. That whole 'separate countries' thing for one. And there's the fact that she ran back to Mossad as soon as she was given the chance. Not to mention the part where her apartment blew up right after I killed her boyfriend. Amazing what a few rounds to the chest and a shard of glass through the liver can do to cement a friendship. I'm sure she's just dying to see me again. Preferably with a gun and no witnesses."

The note of despair that tinged his voice took the edge off her attack. "Your guilt is showing again. Constant companion these days, unless I miss my guess."

"Why are you guessing Kate? I thought you could look down and see everything."

"Better perspective hearing it from you. Plus, I have better things to do than watch your sorry ass 24/7."

"You're going to have to get over that if you want to know anymore. The subject is closed."

"No it's not. You're going to tell me about her. I know you DiNozzo. You love the sound of your own voice. You'll talk sooner or later. And I've got all the time in the world to wait for you."

The silence lasted nearly two hours before he finally cracked.

"I wanted to hate her. Her brother had killed you and she walked in to the squad room acting like it was some big mistake. And then she showed up again a month later, parked herself at your desk and somehow fit right in. It wasn't supposed to happen like that. She shouldn't have been able to replace you that easily."

"She didn't replace me Tony. We're nothing alike. She's her and I'm me. About the only thing we have in common are the XX chromosomes."

"Probie seemed so much more comfortable around her than he did with you. I wanted to smack him for being so friendly. At least Abby didn't fall for it right away. And then we had to take that undercover case and that kind of broke the ice between us."

"Getting naked with each other can have that effect." She paused for a moment. "Ziva wasn't the enemy. Did you ever wonder why Gibbs let her in so quickly?"

"Yeah. He's never said and neither has she."

"She's the one who shot Ari, not Gibbs."

"What?!" That statement brought him off the bed and onto his feet. "No way! There is no way she shot her own brother."

"It's true. Gibbs figured Ari would be waiting for him and warned Ziva. She was hidden at the top of the stairs and killed him right before he could shoot Gibbs. That's why she took the assignment as a liaison officer. Got her out of Israel and away from Mossad for a while. She needed the space."

"She never said anything."

"Like she would. In the entire time that you've known her, has Ziva ever worn her emotions on her sleeve? At least until that last trip to Tel Aviv?"

The answer was grudging. "No. Came pretty close with the dead man walking though."

"Yeah, about that. Tease her about it again and I'll kill you myself. You're crossing from mean to cruel with that one."

"Of course you know about that."

"I know everything you know. Again, this is your subconscious. I'm just along for the ride. Come on, keep talking."

"What the hell do you want me to say? That I can't stop thinking about her? How leaving her in Tel Aviv hurt more than Jeanne or Jenny ever will? That I'm pretty sure she could have been the one and I blew it, again? You're going to have to give me some direction here Todd. As I'm sure you remember, I'm an insensitive sophomoric idiot!"

"So you do love her. That's not a question by the way. Even McGee's figured that one out and he's about the most unobservant person the planet when it comes to you."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Your feelings for her are written on your face most days. You track her with your eyes when you think no one is watching. She fascinates you and you have no idea why. You're trying to learn her language. You've had a thing for her for years, even when you were seeing Jeanne. That's why none of the dates you've been on since then have worked out. And the thought of her with Rivkin makes you sick. And not just him, any man that isn't you."

"Shut up Kate!"

"The truth's a bitch sometimes isn't it? You ever wonder what it must be like to grow up the way she did? Her father was very hard, _is_ very hard. He can't see past the Mossad and that agency's best interests. Why do you think he did what he did with Ari? Or raised Ziva to be an assassin for that matter? That's all she heard growing up, how she was going to serve her country. She never had a chance for anything different. He's very manipulative. You saw that yourself when you got him to admit that he told Rivkin to start seeing her. Seeing that your parents have feet of clay is never easy and Ziva keeps having that fact rubbed in her face over and over again."

"She's not the only one with a lousy childhood."

"Admittedly she wasn't dressed as a sailor until the age of ten but not being able to trust her own father was probably worse. You ever heard of the rat experiment?"

"What?"

"Some psychology students at Yale or something. They had these three groups of rats. One group got a treat every time they stepped on a bar in their cage. Eventually they got bored and stopped. One group didn't get anything when they stepped on the bar and eventually they gave up too. But the third group got a treat randomly. They never knew when the bar would work and when it wouldn't, so they never stopped stepping on it. Ziva's same way with her father. He's come through for her just enough to keep her from coming back. He knows it too. Nasty bastard."

"So she has daddy issues. Show me one woman in the world who doesn't."

"You're in a foul mood. We haven't even gotten to the good part yet. Did you ever wonder why she took to NCIS so easily? Criminal investigation is a long way from Mossad."

"She had to keep up or be reassigned. Didn't want to lose face."

"NCIS was the first place where she could come to work and not constantly have to play a game. Find the murderer, find the leak, find the kidnapper. Pretty black-and-white when you think about it. Her coworkers weren't looking at her sideways for being the Directors daughter. There was no constant scheming, secrecy or lurking in shadows. She could depend on people that were themselves, not playing a role all the time. Going back to Israel last year was a hard readjustment for her. So was staying there now."

"She could have come back. Staying was her choice."

Kate sighed. "Could you try putting yourself in her shoes for once? A little empathy can go a long way. She was hurting and couldn't figure out who to trust. You had just killed Rivkin, the Mossad had blown up her apartment to protect their own ass, her father had been manipulating her feelings all year and when she told Gibbs she wasn't sure she could work with you he left her behind. Maybe your head wouldn't be spinning but hers sure is."

"So how come she never called McGee back or responded to Abby's emails? They had nothing to do with any of this and she cut them off too."

"Is that what this is about?" She stared at him in genuine shock. "You're not mad she left. Well you are, but that's not the only reason. You're mad she hurt other people, people that you care about. I take back what I said about having empathy. You have grown up."

"Saying that over and over again doesn't make it any less insulting. Can we drop this now?"

"If it's any consolation, she regrets leaving the way she did."

"Then she should pick up the phone and say so."

"Still just as stubborn as I remember. Try applying some of that empathy to her. Just a little. You might be surprised where it takes you."

"Is this where you tell me that she and I are destined for happily ever after? Because I'm going to need a barf bag first."

"The future isn't written in stone. I can look at mine and know what would have happened because I'm dead. I can't cause any changes now. You, on the other hand, are still breathing. Just about anything is possible. Keep one thing in mind though."

"What?"

"You never know how actions can influence outcomes down the line. If Ari hadn't shot me, you and Ziva would never have met. There would have been no reason. How much of the last four years would have been changed if she hadn't been here?"

He was silent for a long time as he pondered the thought. "I hate that that makes sense. You should be here Kate. Both of you should be here."

"That was never going to happen and deep down you know it."

He took a deep breath. "Is she ever coming back? Will I be able to tell her-"

Kate smiled and cut him off. "How should I know? I'm dead, remember?"

"Cryptic would have been okay three hours ago. Not now."

"Too bad. Take what you can get Tony. You might not get a second chance."

"Am I going to remember any of this when I wake up?"

"Bits and pieces probably. Don't worry; you're not going to end up in the psych ward at Bethesda, babbling about a conversation with a dead person." She looked him up and down, almost as if seeing him for the first time. "You really have grown up DiNozzo."

"I can assure you I've been grown up for quite awhile. Drivers license, passport, apartment rental, the whole shebang."

"I mean you've matured. NCIS has been good for you."

"Personally, I think it's the head slapping. Knocked something loose right about here." He touched the back of his head as he spoke. "I'm thinking you've got some wisecrack about brain damage up your sleeve."

"I'm deciding between that and being dropped on your head as a child. Either one is pretty likely."

"I want her to come home." His voice turned serious again. "She needs to come home."

"Patience is a virtue Tony."

"Patience is for suckers. Please tell me if she's coming back."

She shook her head. "No way. You get to work that out for yourself. But I'll tell you this much: possibilities are everywhere. Keep living in denial and you're going to miss most of them. At some point you two are going to have to confront whatever it is that's going on between you."

"Again with the riddles."

She smiled and leaned over to peck him on the cheek. "Take care of yourself Tony. I don't want to see you again for a long time."

"Am I waking up now?"

"Probably. And remember what I said about missing your chances."

"We miss you Kate."

"I miss you all too. More than you can know. Keep safe and watch out for the team. They need you the same way you need them."

As he watched, she faded from view, leaving him alone in the isolation room.

"Goodbye Kate."

Before he could move, the isolation room began to fade as well, replaced with solid darkness. A searing pain shot through his head as he tried to open his eyes. What appeared to be a hospital room slowly swam into view.

"_Welcome back Agent DiNozzo. You had us worried there for a while."_


End file.
